よこそ /22. sydney is my current abode. singapore is where my heart has always been.
loves my God and my family. is a chronic messy room-neat appearence girl.
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最近 /first day back into the grind.
7 years + Belated Merry Christmas and Happy 2010!
Tensai! Shimura Doubutsuen (2006.12.29) Translatio...
Moon on the water
happy mooncake day!
友達へ /bethanyipc ame andrea athalie emily eunice erinn evelyn jofid jordan lee man mandy mingfei ning phoebe tammy vicki william zhihui
アーカイブズ /May 2003
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//Sunday, April 04, 2010 10:40 pm
i think i have some serious character problems (kyara-mondai, as they say it in japanese).
1. i got peeved off when a certain mr s. snapped at me just because i quotation marked his "busy". (situation being that he was reasoning his absence from church activities for the past few weeks)
true i know it was bad form on my part for doing so, but i thought he and i were close enough to know i was just joshing with him. guess not. the following few minutes were awkward, with me just taking it from him, and my inability to react properly to it.
resulted in me going into my 'fall-back' mode; just smile lightly, nod and try to look into the distance. i think the third person in this convo also felt the sharp air between us and tried to laugh it off a bit and take it off the topic. i tried to ignore the thoughts of wanting to diss him/storm off/hit him. in any other case, i'm not eloquent enough to argue back to him, much less do i want to hear him speak.
i ended up disappearing into the crowd when i found a gap in the convo after a while.
2.i found myself unable to get into proper group conversations. today's lunch was such an example. the only time i felt safe was when i was near the kitchen, near my mom or my grandma.
i know i could have gone back to where tammy and vicki were, but i think, and likewise i suppose my sisters would think, that i need to get out of hanging out around them. i feel like a leecher. you know, someone who hangs around you and expects you to introduce them to your friends so they know your friends good enough to call them their own friends.
3.my sisters. i'm starting to feel like the dead weight in the family setup. it's like people definitely can see that vicki and tammy are sisters because they click, they like similar things, like doing the same things and react to things pretty similarly. me, i'm the odd one. they don't really like the stuff i do, they think i'm lame at times, they rarely listen to me, and pay me out a whole lot most of the time.
it's true, that maybe i haven't earned their respect in the family, which is why i do expect this, and i definitely don't mind it. but it just hurts you know. when it's not wanting to kill them at times, it's just wanting to run away and hide somewhere. wait till the whole situation goes away, wait till my stupid temper dies, wait..
i envy people with good sibling relationships.
i think the only solution to this is for me to go far away. be away from the family for a while. allow myself to be around people i don't know and create a new identity. and most definitely, i need Him. to guide me through this, to show me the correct way i should act...
LONGSUFFERING. i definitely need this.
EDIT also, mr. s also paid out a friend of mine and my friend's friends in one breath. should i feel repulsed? or the fact that this friend of mine could actually think that and verbally express it? i guess i do have thought like that once in a while, but to actually verbalise it and then tell me what i think about said friend, whether i know them well enough to diss them as he did. i was appalled.